Just You and Me: My Pregnancy

My Pregnancy:

I wish I had written this while I was pregnant so that it was a real-time account, but I will just have to do my best from memory. I will try and categorize things to have some semblance of order. :)

Important Milestones:

6 weeks: This is when I found out I was pregnant with you. I started feeling a little sick around the end of September and sure enough...there you were!! We didn't tell anyone at first, so it was just Daddy and I thinking about you but trying not to get overly excited in case you decided, like some babies do, that you couldn't stick around. It was funny though because as I was driving to work the day I found out I was pregnant, as I was coming down the hill, there was a gigantic, brilliant rainbow in the sky and I prayed that God would help me to become pregnant. All the while you were tucked away and growing inside.

8 weeks: Your first ultrasound! We were so lucky to be able to see you so early. Because we were being seen at the Kaiser infertility clinic, we were able to go in at 8 weeks, 4 weeks earlier than most, and see a picture of you and even hear your heartbeat. The first picture we ever saw of you is one of my favorites because you looked like a little bean. That is where the nickname "Bean" comes from. I don't know if we still call you that, but we called you that all the time when you were a baby.

20 weeks: On Christmas day Daddy and I opened a present together that was the most special thing I will ever open...pictures that told us you were a little girl! The whole time that I was pregnant I swore you were a boy. I didn't believe you were a girl until they pulled you out on your birthday. I think deep down I wanted you to be a girl so badly that I thought if I believed you were a boy I wouldn't be disappointed. We couldn't really read the pictures correctly, so we weren't 100% sure until a week later when I fell and we had another ultrasound done. Still Christmas day, I got the flu and threw up all night. Daddy finally put his foot down and made me go into the hospital the next day. They gave me IV fluids and some medicine to take to help me feel better. It was very scary to think that you were getting heaved all over the place while I was getting sick. I was very worried.

24(ish) weeks: I felt you move for the first time. It was the strangest feeling in the world. The only way I can describe it is I felt like a zipper was opening across my stomach. It was light and fast, but I was sure it was you. From then on, you moved like crazy. I loved feeling it because I knew you were happy and healthy in there. It was really fun when Daddy started being able to feel you too and even more amazing when you could actually watch you moving in my stomach. I wish I would have taken a video of it.

I think this was taken at about 7 months.

32 weeks: This is about the time that most babies are turned the right way with their heads down and really for delivery. Not you, sweet girl. I went in for an ultrasound so they could check your position and you were sitting like a little frog with your head up by my ribs. The doctor said I could have a procedure done to try to flip you, but after researching it, it looked too scary so daddy and I decided against it. Soon after, we scheduled your cesarean. We chose May 11th so daddy could finish his softball season, but you had your own plans.

This was taken about 2 weeks before your birthday!

Clumsy Mommy!
I fell twice while I was pregnant with you. It can be very dangerous because the sack that you were in could have been damaged, and then you would have been born way too early. The first time I fell Daddy and I were going to eat at Northwoods with Sue and Rob. It was raining out, but I was wearing flip flops because my feet were swollen. I was walking ahead of Daddy to get out of the rain and he yelled, "Don't fall!" Not two seconds later I was walking over the speed bump which was very slick because of the rain and lost my footing. I ended up right on my butt. Daddy screamed and ran over. I felt ok, just embarrassed. We ended up staying for dinner but then I did some research on the way home and everyone said to call the doctor. We called Kaiser and they wanted me to come in to monitor right away, so we headed over at 11 at night. Luckily, you were fine, I was fine, and we were only there an hour. That was when we got a conformation you were a girl. :)

The second time I fell I was leaving to go to lunch with Natasha and Collette. I was walking down the driveway and missed the sidewalk and fell sideways landing on my stomach. This time when I fell it was very different. I began crying hysterically immediately. I was so scared because I hit my stomach. I called Daddy because he was at practice and he met me at Kaiser. This time we were there for a LOOOOOOONG time. I think it was about 7 hours. Both of us were going a little bit crazy and I was never so excited to get out of the hospital.

Mommy at the hospital after her second fall. This was right before we got the ultrasound to say if you were ok.

Cravings

Everyone always talks about crazy cravings with pregnancy. I never really had an interesting cravings, but when I did crave something I craved A LOT of it. For a while I wanted apples all the time. Daddy called me a horse because I ate 5 in one day once. Then I started craving cereal. Not anything healthy, the sugary sweet ones like Fruity Pebbles and Captain Crunch. The whole time I was pregnant all I wanted was a chili cheese dog from Weinerschnitzel. I think it was because I couldn't have it because when I finally did it was not all that I had dreamed of.

Our Time...

I started to feel very down as my pregnancy came to an end because I knew that our time together was almost over. I would have to share you with other people. I wouldn't be able to be with you and hold you 24 hours a day (whether you liked it or not!). I wouldn't feel you inside my tummy. I knew I would miss you. I was afraid of feeling an "emptiness" where you used to be. I just loved being pregnant because it was just you and me. I knew everything about you that no one else could know. I felt things no one else could feel. It was the most amazing and wonderful time for me. I would talk to you, sing to you, rub you, and dream of who you would become, but I could never have dreamed you would enrich our lives so much and make us the family that we are. You are so beautiful and fun. Watching you learn is amazing, and feeling you grow will always be the most magical thing to ever happen in my life. I love you so much, my love.

Love,

Mommy

Trying and Trying: Our Wait for You

Dear Ensley,

Oh my goodness. When your daddy and I decided to have a baby I was nervous it was going to happen immediately like Mimi always said it would. She always said she would get pregnant the minute Grandpa looked at her. Well, at first when a couple months went by I was a little relieved. I didn't know if your daddy and I were ready for a baby yet. We had been married three years and living it up. However, when a couple months turned into a couple more and then to a year, we began to worry. We went to a fertility clinic to try and get things going a bit faster since we weren't getting any younger. It didn't seem to make any difference. Every month when I got my period I cried for days. I thought we would never ever have a baby. I began to give up hope. No medication, procedure, or time seemed to be able to help us conceive, and it seemed to much easier for everyone else.

In August of 2011 I started my cycle the very first day of school. I was miserable because I had to go to the fertility clinic that day if I wanted a cycle of medications that month, but I couldn't miss the first day of school, so we had to skip that month. It was the worst drive to work I ever had. I cried the whole way. I was defeated and devastated. I couldn't give your daddy a baby and felt like I was stuck in a black hole. I wanted a baby so badly.

I didn't think much more about it that month because we had missed our window of opportunity. In September I started spotting a bit and waited for my cycle so I could go in for my next fertility cycle. We had a big party at our house for Uncle Rob for his 50th birthday. We had a taco guy and there was a ton of food left over. Daddy kept asking if we could have carne asada tacos for dinner to which I kept replying "if you say that again I'm going to puke." He jokingly asked if I was pregnant and I laughed because there was no way that I could be. I was walking around Target when he was teasing me and I decided to just buy a pregnancy test to see. Now, by this time I had taken probably 20 pregnancy tests. I hated them. As far as I was concerned they were a complete waste of money because they always came out negative, but I was feeling pretty sick.

When I got home I took the test, and IMMEDIATELY it was a big, huge, pink PLUS! I could not believe it. I just sat staring at it and laughing. After all we went through, we were finally pregnant. I took a picture of the test with my phone and texted it to your dad who was selling tickets at a football game that night. He texted back, "Who's is that." and I said OURS! And that's how he found out.

We got to see you at 8 weeks at the fertility clinic. You look like a little bean in the ultrasound and that is why we call you bean sometimes. We loved you instantly when we saw you and heard your little heart.

After the excitement of actually getting pregnant I worried until 12 weeks when the threat of miscarriage is mostly gone. You stuck in there like a little champ, and I can't tell you how glad I am that you did. You were the answer to so many prayers I can't even count. You are our miracle, our love, our surprise. You are what we were waiting for. We love you so much.

Love,
Mommy

From Shooting Him Down to Walking Down the Aisle: Mommy and Daddy's Love Story

Dear Ensley,

This is the love story of your silly parents. I know I've probably told you a hundred times by now, but here's one more. I started working at Loma Vista Middle School in the fall of 2002 right after I graduated from Cal Baptist. I was an 8th grade language arts teacher. It was a difficult year because everything was so new, but I finished the year and felt positive about the ones to follow. When I got to school the next year for our teacher orientation day, some of the staff was teasing me about a new teacher coming to teach at our school that year. Apparently he was young, single, and moving from out of state. When I asked what his name was they said Ian Fish, to which I replied that was a ridiculous name and I could never date someone named Fish.

The next day your daddy came to campus and we met for the first time. We have very different versions of what happened that day. I believe that I was nice and helpful and introduced myself and then went to my classroom to work. It always took me a long time to set up my classroom because I decorated so much, so there was no time to waste. Your daddy says I ran up to him, said my name in one second, and then ran away. We worked on the same team that year, so we had the same students and prep period and worked closely with each other.

Daddy was from Michigan and looked really different than any of my friends from California. He wore fancy clothes and shoes, had a haircut we started calling "Michigan hair", and wore Velcro sandals he will still defend to this day. He was definitely not my type, but it didn't matter anyway because he ended up having a girlfriend anyway. However, we did become friends and started going to lunch together, to happy hours, and dinners with friends. We saw each other often in and out of work and daddy started hinting that he wanted our relationship to become more than friends. I said no, a lot partially because he still had a girlfriend and partially because I was used to dating guys who were so different.

Over the next couple of years I grew very close to your daddy. The second year he was in California, daddy decided he wanted his girlfriend to move out here from Michigan. However, when he went back to get her, she decided not to come. That was when daddy became single for the first time. He kept asking me to go on a date and finally I agreed to go to dinner but ended up telling him I was in love with someone else. It wasn't entirely true, but I still didn't think your daddy was right for me. But he kept asking. I kept saying no. All the while we were dating other people and I got very jealous when he went out with a girl he met while attending a conference. He kept talking about her being beautiful and perfect, and it was the first time I wondered if I did want to date him. Of course, I didn't tell him that.

The turning point in our relationship was when we went to a colleague's Christmas party. Daddy cornered me and kissed me for the first time. I told him I wasn't interested and his face fell. He left the party early and I left with a stomach ache. I can still see his face at that moment. I worried about him all night and kept asking myself why I cared so much. The next day I called him and told him I would go on a date with him but that we couldn't hold hands, kiss, cuddle or anything romantic until I decided it felt right to date him. Our first real date was to the Crystal Cathedral to see "The Glory of Christmas" and we went with several friends. I still wasn't sure.

The moment I knew that I wanted to be with daddy as when I was driving back from Grandpa Dave's and talked to daddy the whole ride and didn't even realize how much time had passed. I went to daddy's and told him how I felt. From then on, we were together. There was one week we broke up because I was scared he wouldn't support us spiritually, but we couldn't stay apart.

I proposed to daddy at the top of the Mandalay Bay hotel in Vegas (not really, but that's when we started planning the wedding). We got married December 28, 2007. I am the luckiest wife to have married such an amazing man who is the best father to you that I could have ever hoped for. He loves you more than life, and it makes me love him more each day.

That is how I went from saying "No way" to "I do."

Love Letter: My Heart to Yours

Dear Ensley,

Hi little monkey! I decided to try to start a blog to capture your life through letters by cataloging all of the amazing and wonderful things you do and how daddy and I felt along the way. You are already so loved by so many and you are the best thing to ever happen to us. We love you so much and can't wait to see who you become in this world. You are amazing.

Love,

Mommy