Your second month was quite a doozie, but just look at that bathing suit picture! :)
Month 2:
This was the beginning of the most terrible month of both our lives. You started having colic and cried literally all the time. I don't know if it was the crying or just hormones, but I was suffering from postpartum. I felt like a failure because I wanted to leave. I was sure your daddy and I were going to split up. I felt like a terrible mother because I couldn't soothe you. I wanted to feel like mothers are supposed to, but my depression was sinking me. I started going to a postpartum support group I nicknamed "sad moms group." Daddy or Mimi watched you while I was there. I began feeling a little better each time, but I thought there was never going to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I was terrified to take you out by myself, but I did it for the first time this month. I was sweating and panicking the entire time. The end of this month is when I started to feel just a little more like myself again. I found that you would have longer periods of time without crying, and we started giving you a little more formula. I think you were starving most of the time, and that is why you cried and cried. My heart hurts when I think back to this time, but most mothers that I know say it is so hard to focus through the sleep deprivation that it's a blur for them too and they didn't have a chance to enjoy it much either.
Some of your crying pictures (my poor baby):
Your firsts: Your first trip to the ER. :( It was after a day you cried for almost 7 hours. Daddy got home from work and I left because I needed to get away. When I came home, I noticed your soft spot was very purple and sunken. I looked online and it said it was a sign of dehydration. We fed you, but you threw it up immediately. We took you into the ER and it was a complete nightmare. They did give us our room, but because it was late at night there was a bunch of crazy people in there. They had to take your blood and give you an IV. Daddy stayed in the room while they put the IV in, but I couldn't. I don't even know if you really needed to go looking back at it, but I was scared we were going to hurt you if we didn't take you and you were terribly dehydrated. (6/18) Your first trip out with just me! We took daddy lunch at summer school, went to visit Trisha, and then went to my doctor's appointment. I was TERRIFIED, but you were amazing! I was so proud of you and of myself. You slept the whole time we were at the doctor's office and you were so good at school and the Archuletta's. (6/14) Your first beautiful, real smile! I can't even tell you how long I waited for this. You smiled in your sleep many times before this, but it was the first actual smile I captured on camera. You smiled at an Ariel doll Aunt Katrina gave you. (6/29) You went to your first birthday party - Porter turned 1. We took my very favorite of your month by month pictures, you in your little pink swimsuit with the cutest look on your face EVER! (7/7)
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| ER :( |
Things you liked: Walking....oh gosh. Daddy and I would take turns just walking, walking, walking with you. It was the only way you were partially happy. When we collapsed in bed at night, both of us would almost cry from the pain our bodies were in. It was so hard. Crying....it feels like this is all you did sometimes. The vacuum. This is literally the only thing that would quiet you down. Our house was so loud because you were screaming or the vacuum was constantly running. Gas drops. These made you feel better and we used to call them magic drops. It would help you to suck on your pacifier and get you to sleep. Monkey Chair. On the 4th of July Auntie Jenn gave us a bouncy, vibrating monkey chair that you liked when we were at their house. It had a little arch with hanging toys on it and played this funny little song. You loved to sit in it and look at the toys and listen to the funny sounds they made when we pulled on them. Every morning when you woke up we would feed you and then put you in Monkey. You would sit there mesmerized for almost an hour sometimes. We would take the toys off and play and talk to you. You liked to sit in the chair because you could sit up and see the world. I used to say that you hated being a baby from the day you were born. The minute you felt like you had some independence you were overjoyed. Being able to sit face to face with us was your favorite thing. I don't know what we would have done without that chair to be honest. Everyone else's babies loved their swings, but you HATED yours. You would scream bloody murder every time we put you in it, and we didn't even think to get one of these little chairs. Your Auntie Jenn really came through for us by giving this to you!
Some of my favorite pictures:
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| This was after our first trip out together by ourselves. You were an angel, and you look like one in this beautiful picture. My precious girl. |
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| I know it looks like you are crying in this picture, but you are actually talking. It was such an effort for you, but once you got the hang of it you talked all the time! You loved this little sun and would stare at it and finally, one day, you got out a little chirp. It was so cute. |
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| I love this picture. I know you are crying in it, but I love the way I am looking at you. It makes me think that maybe I wasn't such a mess the entire month. I think I was happy with you even though it felt like you were always sad. It's funny to look back on a time when you were a fussy baby because you are the happiest little thing alive now. |
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| Your first intentional smile. You loved this Ariel doll and would smile at her whenever you looked at it. |
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| This was one of my favorite little outfits because it was the first thing I bought you after I found out you were a girl. I was walking through Target and went to the baby section and started looking through the clothes. I just couldn't pass it up. I was so excited to have a little girl. When I put it on you it was so special because I bought it when I could only dream of who you would become. :) |
This is from the 4th of July party we went to and MONKEY! You loved this silly chair.
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| Always talking to your Daddy! :) |
Porter's 1st birthday party. Look at your little bathing suit!! Such a sweet girl. You slept a lot of the party, but the times that you were up you did such a good job.
So that's it. Your difficult second month. I wish I could go back and change so many things, but like they say, hindsight is 20/20. If I could have looked ahead to see how quickly everything changes, I would have enjoyed the moment more. I have a sneaking suspicion this is going to be a theme throughout your life though. Every day is so packed with "need to do this" stuff, that sometimes life gets in the way of enjoying the time we have together. I love every second of you, and I know that even in the midst of your colic, you were deeply and passionately loved by me and your Daddy. I feel like I will live the rest of my life trying to make it up to you. :) I love you more and more every day.
Love you my sweet girl.
Love,
Mommy
